Less of Self, More of Me

Monday, September 04, 2006

Chapter 1: The Treasure State

A black SUV drives along a newly-paved road in eastern Montana. Two men sitting in the back of the vehicle talk in hushed tones, while a man in a lab coat drives. They arrive at a long fence covered with various warnings towards trespassers. The man in a lab coat flashes a badge, and they are waved through by a pair of guards. The man in the coat turns to his passengers, "We'll be there in just a moment Mr. Avery."

"Thank you, Vern."

After a few miles, the vehicle pulls up at a gray windowless building, what appeared to be a school. A gust of cold air burst out of the building as the three men entered. The group is greeted by a thin blonde woman holding a clipboard named Elise. Mr. Avery and Elise engaged in the usual small talk that business people always enjoy. The man with Mr. Avery remained silent. Vern parted with the group saying he had work to do. As he walked away, Elise motioned for the two gentlemen to follow her.

They walked through several hallways, passing many doors with small square windows, allowing a meager view of their contents. Mr. Avery looked in one that had caught his eye, a room that appeared to be full of a red fog. Leaning in he saw a boy sitting on the ground. The boy looked up, and upon seeing Mr Avery, exploded into a wisp of red fog. Mr. Avery jumped back, agast. Elise put a hand on his shoulder saying, "If you would just follow me, please." She smiled, and they continued through the hallway. A face in the fog watched them walk away.

They stopped at room 148. Elise opened the door and asked the gentlemen to enter. The went into a room that was much like an interrigation chamber observation room. It was bare except for a few chairs, and a large pane of glass seperated them from the adjacent room, where a slew of scientific instruments were spread around the room, monitoring a man lying in a bed. The prone man was not conscious.

"Is this him?" Mr. Avery asked, walking close to the glass partition. Elise turned to a few pages on her clipboard, answering, "Mr. Tom Gilroy, unit number 13-2-01. His procedure was completed not but 20 minutes ago. He will be out for a couple of days. The changes should start to occur by then." The man with Mr. Avery finally spoke. "What kind of results should we expect? Perhaps you could show us someone else? I want to be sure of what we're dealing with.
Elise flashed her business smile at the man and walked to the glass. "Mr. Gilroy is the first to have this specific sort of mental alteration. We have a general idea of what to expect from him, as we have sent you in our report when you first decided to have this procedure done, Mr. Johnson, but as to the specifics, we are unclear. His physical alterations will take more time to emerge, and are entirely based upon his mental progress." At Mr. Johnson's frown she added, "But I can ensure you he is not a hazard to your cause."

Mr. Avery then leaned very close to the glass. "What is that?" he asked. A quick glance from Elise and she started ushering the two men out of the room. "We will send you a progress report as soon as possible. I will have Vern show you the way out. Thank you for your patronage." Before she shut the door on the now irritated pair, Mr. Avery saw scientists rushing into the room where Mr. Gilroy lie. His left shoulder was bleeding as something writhed out of it. Soon after the door slammed close, an intercom voice called for assistance in room 149, and for Vern to head to room 148. Mr. Avery looked at Mr. Johnson, who just shrugged, "This is not a setback Jean, let's not worry about it. Come on, let's see if they have anything to drink somewhere in this freak show, eh?" Mr. Avery shook his head, but followed along next to Mr. Johnson. They met up with Vern, who told them he would be glad to get them something to drink.

Later that evening, after Mr. Johnson and Avery had left, Elise met with Vern in room 148. She had lost her fake smiles, and wore a very stern expression. She was pacing, and firing questions at Vern who attempted to calm her down. He assured her that the two men suspected nothing was wrong, and were still willing to close the deal. Elise walked up to the glass, staring at Mr. Gilroy, who now had a bandaged shoulder.

"If this goes through, Vern... if we can get funding from these men we will be able to do so much more. We just have to keep them happy. And him alive."

In room 149 Tom Gilroy breathed in and out, while incredible changes occured inside of him.

CheeseShaman posted 5:41 PM

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4 comments

4 Comments:

good start so far, CS. ^^ aside from general spelling and grammar, i can dig it. Although the paragraph about the boy in the red fog a bit unclear (doesn't take away from the whole story though).

Also, Jean - I assume that is Mr. Johnson? Usually Jean is used as a woman's name - "Gene" is the male equivalent. usually. ^^

Also, i noticed the setting of your paragraphs is centered, but perhaps you want it that way.

that's all the nitpicking i have. i await the next chapter!

By psykadelicbutterfly, at 9:28 PM

I would prefer the writing to not be centered, but I'm not sure where I fix this.

Since I have to write on Notepad to have cut/paste capability, I usually forget about spellcheck on blogger.

Red Fog boy. Mr. Avery happens to look into a room filled with a red fog. The boy who is inside the room sees Mr. Avery and turns into a cloud of the same fog. Kind of like how Nightcrawler would teleport and leave some smoke behind, except red fog boy doesn't teleport. I put this character into the story to establish the level of fantasy attributed with the alterations that occur at this institute. I say that they are rooms, but they are really cells. Perhaps I should have said that in the story.

Jean is SOOOO a guy name too. Example - Jean Reno, the famous actor. It's French. Deal with it. ^_^ And Jean is Mr. Avery.

By CheeseShaman, at 9:45 PM

Did you say the paragraph about the fog boy was UNCLEAR? Hehe...

Good stuff! Keep up the good work.

By The Gourd, at 7:14 AM

*stares at gourdy* 9.9

well.

someone's hackles were raised. *hiss* hehe

the centeredness is in your html someplace. it'll more than likely say "center" with the word closed in by <>s. and perhaps you can give the feeling of the rooms being cells through the POV's of one of the visiting gentlemen.

and so i forgot Jean could be a man's name. I didn't think French. -.- bah!

By psykadelicbutterfly, at 8:34 AM